“I don’t have a religion. I believe in a God.
I don’t know what it looks like but it’s my God. My own interpretation of the
supernatural.”
Religion,
God, self, I think metaphysics in whole, are things that have really fascinated
me since I was a child. The need to know more because there is no definite
answer is what I loved about it. My family has always been tolerant to all
kinds of religion; however, my mother being the more religious one ardently
followed Jainism. As a child, I was close to my mother; looked up to her and
believed that everything she said or did was right, without really questioning
it. So there’s not much to say, I followed my mother’s every move, she went to the temple to pray, so did I, she
would study and learn more about Jainism, I did too. She learnt the chants and
I learnt them too. To be really honest I quite enjoyed it. I felt strong and
safe and it brought about this ‘different’ kind of calmness within me,
something I could not describe in words. It could just be felt, something
intensely deep. It’s not like I grew intolerant to any other religion only
because I followed Jainism. I loved going to Hindu temples, and mosques and
churches. I enjoyed it all. I followed the same practice till I was old enough
to question, to comprehend, till I was ready to explore new horizons. This was
my fairytale stage.
When I was about thirteen years old I asked my
classmate who was Muslim if she actually read the Quran five times a day. I
asked her about her religion since we were studying something about Islam. I
found it to be extremely interesting. I’d come home and use the internet to
read more about not only Islam but also about other religions. It was so
fascinating their ideas about how the world came into being, about life,
people, God, everything. It made me wonder and think about things that I never
thought meant anything to me.
The
realistic/ agnostic stage soon followed. I believe that the turning point came
when I was in the ninth grade. I had opted for yoga philosophy as my subject.
That is when I began to get completely involved in learning more. I felt the
need to know more, something that I actually believed in with all my heart. I
studied Yoga philosophy for two years but I still didn’t know what religion
inspired me, I didn’t know which God I really believed in. i gradually stopped
going to the temple and doing other religious practices but I did continue to
learn more about Jainism. This made my mother really upset and she would try
and coax me to go visit the temple at least once a day but I never listened
only because I thought that things like this cannot be habituated it’s
something that should come from within. Something you truly believe in. Luckily
my parents are really open- minded, they always spoke to me about this and we’d
have a discussion about our ideas, views and beliefs.
However,
what I did come to realize is that I never stopped believing in a God. I
remember in times of need I’d always pray or look up towards the sky and blurt
out whatever it was that I couldn’t hold on to any longer. School went by and I
decided I wanted to pursue philosophy further more and I did. The more I
learned, the more I knew, and my mind started opening up. Things became clearer
than what they used to be. Studying philosophy was the best thing that had
happened to me because when sat for that
class I knew I had certain beliefs of my own, what this class did was make me
question those beliefs, while some remained as they were, some grew stronger
and many even changed.
Knowing
about God and religion was important me, it had always been. It gave me
something to believe in strongly, something that I believe reflected my
thoughts, my ideas about life, something that wasn’t materialistic or
selfish. It was something that set me
free, brought me inner peace, brought me closer to myself. They were my own
theories and no one could tell me if I was right or wrong in believing what I
did. I am open to new ideas and I often wait for someone or something that can
change my beliefs or make them stronger. I am religious but I don’t follow
anything particular; I believe that religion is a way of life, a path that you
chose for yourself, could be the wrong but it does lead somewhere. We chose
what that somewhere is going to be. For a musician, it’s his music that is his
religion. He believes in it and looks up to it. He follows it but each path has
a wrong turn so either he makes it or breaks it. This applies to everyone. We
all have a choice to make and there is no right or wrong. We do what we love doing and at that point of
time we made a certain choice only cause we wanted to. I am not agnostic
either. I do believe in something most people call it God but my idea of God is
different. I don’t believe that God is a controller, destroyer or maker. He is
not omniscient, omnipotent all loving and benevolent. I believe God is in all
of us. God lies in truth, in kindness, in humanity, in love, in sorrow, in hard
work, in sincerity, in success and in failure. God is everywhere. God is both
male and female. God is in all that’s living. Well, I am definitely not an
atheist and I don’t think I’ll ever be. My journey so far has been a great
learning experience, from following Jainism blindly to being lost in transition
and finally having a religion and God of my own, the individual, extra-ordinary
reality.
Sanika Shah
FSLE-3
Sanika Shah
FSLE-3
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